I am tired of living in this body.
Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not tired of living in a body that is fat. No, I am tired of living in a body that is a body.
There is so much work to be done, always, just to maintain this corporeal existence. All the showering and teeth-flossing and the constant need for food, for sleep, for exercise, for sunshine, for clean clothes. All the too-cold- and too-hot-ness of it, the periods that come too early or too late.
And, too, the medical necessities – those things that are specific to this particular body: remembering to take this pill to keep my hormones running the way they’re supposed to, this pill so I’m not dragged under by depression. This pill when I can’t sleep. Seeing one doctor for my eyes, one for my hormones, one for my private parts, one for everything else. Today, another doctor for a sprained ankle that’s not healing, product of a spectacular trip-and-fall injury a month ago.
I’m tired of doctors, truthfully. I am committed to doing the best I can with this body I have, however huge that task is beginning to seem (is this a part of turning 30? I don’t care for it), but seeing doctors for this body, this body that is fat – it is exhausting. Waiting rooms where all the chairs have arm rests, nurses who roll up my sleeve and then realize they have to go hunt down a blood pressure cuff that will fit me because there’s only one large cuff in the whole office, hospital gowns that don’t fit. Trying on every ankle-support boot in the podiatrist’s office, and feeling like Cinderella’s stepsister when none of them fit my calf and I have to wait three days for a special-ordered boot. I am so tired and so frustrated with a healthcare system where the default setting is to casually exclude people my size, and of constantly being reminded that my body is so far outside of normal that doctors’ offices are incapable of anticipating its needs.
I am tired of the amount of work that’s required to keep a body functioning. And I am tired, so tired, of the people who are supposed to help me do this, making it harder instead.